Birthdays are Special to the Birth Parents

I guess it never occurred to me before yesterday that birthdays are special not only to the one who was born, but to the parents who facilitated the birth. So much emphasis, by everyone in our society, is given to the one who was born, by throwing parties, giving gifts and overall making it a special day for them, that the real heroes of that special birthday have been lost. The birth parents are really the ones that had a remarkable day that is worth celebrating. The birth changed their lives forever. Maybe that is worth celebrating more than just being born.

Parents today have a choice if they want their children born. They could decide they don't want the interruption, can't afford a child, or don't want to rearrange their lives for the next twenty years to facilitate the raising. If something is worth celebrating it is the commitment and sacrifice on the part of the parents, especially the mother, to provide everything that is necessary to the newborn, to put them in an environment in which they are raised to become a functioning adult. And the day it started is worth at the very least a mention.

The child who was born, should more than anyone else, recognize how special birthdays are to the parents and make sure others know what was really done special on that day. I am not advocating that we should abandon our practice of making it a special day for the one who was born. I am promoting the idea that some recognition should go to the parents. It is a birthday for them too.

This is not a message to our kids specifically. They acknowledge and honor us for our part in their birth and for that I are grateful. This is a message to us all. Birthdays should be more than a selfish celebration for the one who received life and more of a grateful honor to the ones who provided life.

Thank you mom and dad for all that you did for me.

Twenty Three Years ago today

This is a copy of the email I just sent our twin sons about this day, twenty-three years ago.

"J & J,

Twenty-three years ago today, I hesitantly left for work, thinking your mother was having contractions. She assured me they were not the real thing and were very erratic anyway. Your grandmother came over to stay with your mom while I was gone. While at work, I got a 'voice page' right about now, 1:00pm to call home. I called and my mom told me your mother was having contractions every ten minutes and that I should come home. I left work early and I could not wait to get home. I was so excited about how our lives were about to change.

About 4pm I was walking your mother into Trinity Medical Center in Carrollton stopping every few minutes for her to endure a contraction. We got settled in, and the hospital staff hooked everything up to your mother, to monitor her and the two of you. When it became apparent that Jason was in trouble they decided to move everything up and get you guys out as fast as possible. C-Section. They would not allow me to enter the surgical room because there was no way for me to scrub in so fast. But I stood outside the door listening. Literally with my ear to the crack of the double doors, I stood waiting to hear anything, something that I could to identify that my sons had entered the world. Only about 10 minutes passed when I heard a baby cry. Followed a minute later with another, different cry. Those were the only signs I had that I was a dad.

About 15 minutes passed and a nurse came out with two baby boys encased in incubators on the way to the nursery. She stopped to let me look. I can not tell you how much emotion was in that one brief moment. It was like time stood still.

I was staggered with how beautiful you both looked. While I am not an expert on beauty I thought you guys were the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. I could not wait to see how your lives would turn out.

Fast forward to today. You both are still beautiful.
Sharing so much in common at the start, you still share the most admired qualities of any man: Intelligent, strong, confident, trustworthy, hard working, fun, dependable. You both have turned out to be great men. I can't wait to see what the next few years hold for you both, as you graduate, get married, develop a career, and maybe have boys of your own.

Happy Birthday guys!

I will Give not Receive

As our birthdays approach each year, too many times we look forward to what people may be giving us as gifts. I decided yesterday that this year I was going to do something different.

I was thinking about what I would like to receive or what I could buy myself for my birthday. You know people give you a few dollars or some give gifts. I try to do something special with the money. I think it is better than just putting the money in the bank and spending it on normal items. As I was thinking, I realized I already had what most parents would really like for their birthday, heck for any day. I have four kids that love their parents, love each other, and love their God. They are doing their "job," that is going to college right now. They are making good grades, good friends and overall enjoying life to the fullest. They have good plans for the future and working their way to their own goals in life.

When I was in college, I always felt frustrated that I did not really know how my parents felt about me and where I was going. Did they like what I was doing? Did they approve of my goals? To this day I don't know whose fault that might be. Was it my fault for not listening? Was I susposed to ask? Or did they talk about things like that and I just didn't hear it. I don't remember being mad that they were not telling me specifics. I do remember being disappointed that they did not tell me what they thought. I know they told others what they thought and those people shared some things with me. But I could not discern an approval or disapproval from them. So it left me empty, looking for pieces of the puzzle that I could put together to make a picture of what they thought.

These two thoughts came together in what I wanted to give away for my birthday. I decided to write to each one of my kids, my thoughts on their lives and where they are headed. Kinda like a "State of the Child" address. It would let them know exactly how I feel about them. It would give me the chance to tell them exactly how much I love them. I will be able to share with them, what they mean to us, as their parents. It will also make sure they will never wonder, what I think about them and their plans for their life.

In the coming days, while I will not share the whole letter with you, I will share some major portions of each letter with you. So you will have some insight on where they are and what they are doing with their lives. I hope you will enjoy this as much as I will.

You can't preach it - if you don't live it

I have found out the hard way that you can't preach it - if you don't live it. Beside the fact that your children see right through it, it rings hollow. You can't preach something you don't know inside and out. You can pretend, but you are really preaching someone else's message. And that doesn't go very far.

I am not a planner. I am not good at it because I spend so much time second guessing my plan. I also spend too much time making it a perfect plan. I act - only when I am forced to act. This is not a good way to live life but it is the way I am doing it now. Maybe one day this will change in my life. But for now - my life is one of doing what I have to do right now because I am up against a deadline. I spend a lot of time fighting fires of my own making.

It is no wonder my children live life the same way for the most part. I can't do it, so I don't preach it, and as a result they don't learn it. Maybe I should have faked it. So at least they would learn something. But I don't want to be that way. I want my kids to hear something from me - and then see it lived out in me. At least that way what they learn from me is genuine.

Who knows maybe they will teach me how to plan when they learn it. Now that will be a great day.

Talking to my children

I love talking to my kids. I enjoy hearing them share about something that is new to them. As you may know, I have three children in college. Lots of things are new to them and changing their lives. I receive joy, when they share about the light bulbs that go off in their minds. For them the world is opening up before their eyes. Every stage of their life has been a treasure for me. My admonition is; as you prospect for gold in your children's life, don't overlook the silver before you each day.

They claim they are busy. My hunch is, they are just acting busy. They assert they do not have enough time. I keep reminding them that everyone has enough time to do the things they WANT to do. They need to do the right thing. I think they are learning that, slowly but surely.

I don't know why it surprises me when they have a different view than I do. I raised them to think for themselves. I felt like my job was to train them to fly on their own. I am proud to say they are doing that. I am always available for consultation. But they don't call much for advise. I take that as a compliment. They feel adult enough to make decisions for themselves. The way it should be.

On the Road Again

Our road trip got off to a rather slow start. We stayed up late, so we woke up later to get a good nights rest. After packing everything up we finally left Plano at 11:00AM. We made it to Waco in good time and managed to find the right house. The house looked like what you would think, when you hear your son is renting a house that is seventy years old. It reminded me of Animal House. Only a twenty year old could love it. It was barely standing. The walls were tilted, the doors were crooked, all the mattresses were on the floor, and there were five TVs and only four guys. That ratio is about right according to them. But, they were happy; mostly for the small price they were paying for rent. My wife and I had thought about making a pop-in visit sometime during the semester. After seeing that house we have decided not to try that any time soon. We had rather not know.

We got everything unloaded for the Waco portion, said our goodbyes and we were back on the road, destination College Station. We found our way to the proper dorm in a maze of buildings on the A&M Campus. It was a beehive of activity. Students and their helicopter parents were everywhere. For those who don’t know, helicopter parents are those parents who hover over their children to protect them. We want to be highly involved in our children’s lives, but we don’t want to be helicopter parents, the balance is critical.

I am proud to say I did not get upset during the move. But it took a toll on me. Later in the day I got a little cross with everyone, when the pressure of the move built up. I was a little hungry and tired. I let down my guard and let those around me know of my displeasure. I caught myself before I blew my stack. That would have made the whole day miserable. I just sat down for a while, cooled down, apologized and let it go. I did not mess up the whole day. It does seem that we take it out on the ones we love the most. I want to change that about myself.

We got our Freshman and his possessions moved in, helped arrange his furniture, and left to go eat. We finished our responsibilities for both sons at A&M, and managed to leave town about 10:00PM. We did not get back to Plano until about 1:30AM. We were tired but we felt good helping our kids move. We will do it again. It is what parents do.

Fathers Love to Help

Tomorrow is a day for which dads live. Moving Day. This last week two of our sons left for college, next week another one leaves, but they could not take all of their possessions with them. Dad was enlisted to be in charge of getting the big items moved. Today, I am renting a trailer, getting everything ready for the trek across Texas tomorrow. The plan: load up early, leave at 9:00AM, first stop Waco, on to College Station for two more stops, return home before midnight. I know it is an ambitious plan but one that we could accomplish if we don’t have any hiccups.

My wife and I, with our daughter, went to a first birthday party for my nephew’s son, Logan. He looks so much like his father. It seems like it has been fifty years since we had a one-year old child. Then in another way, it seems like last month we were having one-year old birthdays every year. It was a great time of raising our kids. But it did seem to go fast. I wonder if Logan’s parents realize how fast it will go by. Make the most of EVERY moment. Because when you blink the opportunity will pass you by.

Most dads love to help their kids move. It is a guy thing. But it has to be done the right way. No loose ends. Perfect planning. The right equipment, the right boxes, the right packing, everything must be perfect. You can see this coming right? When it doesn’t go perfectly, we might get upset. Don’t misunderstand me. We are not getting mad because we have to help our kids move. We are getting mad that the move is not going perfectly.

My goal for tomorrow, the big ‘Move Across Texas Day’, is to not let things build up within myself. Venting the little things, that might make me irritable, may help prevent a major blowup. This is my history. When I get disappointed about something I push it down inside myself again and again. At some point like a volcano building I blow and no one wants to be around me. It can ruin a beautiful day. I refuse to be that way tomorrow.

Today, Leaving is not really Leaving

When a child leaves for college today, it may not feel like they’ve really left. With calls and text messaging on cell phones, email on computers, it is possible to stay in very close touch with each other. I am not sure this is a good thing. They need to know we are not going to see or hear about every misstep or accomplishment. They will learn how to correct and praise themselves. But most importantly, being on their own will teach them to Whom they should turn to for their own needs. Separation is a good thing for flying solo.

The summer days before each of our children have left for college looked pretty much the same. Their days consisted of: getting up (sometimes late), going to work, coming home to bathe and change clothes, leaving for the evening, returning home sometime after I had gone to bed, sleeping a few hours, then starting over the next day. They were basically on their own already. But while they were living at home, we asked them to let us know what they are doing, where they were going, and with whom they would be with that day. But when they leave for college, I gently break off all unnecessary communication. They need to know that this is different now.

When I left for college, it felt like I had left for good. I was out of touch with my parents. I could not pick up a phone, a cell, or computer, and call home instantly. It could be hard. It was hard on me. It was harder on my mom. Don’t misunderstand me I really wanted to leave home and go to college. Not that I didn’t like being at home, I was just ready to fly on my own. At least, I thought I was. But I never really knew how I would do until I was on my own completely.

Today, it is no wonder that children return home to live after college. They don’t know how to fly solo.

Go Go Go is His Motto

Our youngest son likes to plan and go. Going is the most important part of life to him. He really just wants to go, go, go. It doesn’t matter where, as long as he is going. However, planning is low on his priority list. It is usually so low on his ‘to do’ list, that he doesn’t get to the planning part, until he is at where he was going. So you can see how this drives me crazy. Of course, it would be so simple to just slow down for a minute or two, give a couple of brain cells some exercise, to determine if you need to think about what you are doing, before you do it. But that slowing down part puts a crimp in the going part. So he just goes and worries about the planning later.

The real issue for me is how to deal with his lack of planning. Do we, as his parents, step in and plan for him? No! Not unless it is physically dangerous for him. We let him make his own mistakes and hopefully one day it will click with him, to actually plan before he goes. He will one day. But until then, most of his goodbyes will resemble his send off Tuesday night.

Guess what we did? When his car is completely packed, and as he kisses his mom goodbye, she asks, “Where are your glasses?” He gives her that blank stare. The one I get a lot, when he is trying to remember what month he last had his glasses. So we spend the next thirty minutes looking in his empty room, his full car, and the rest of the house, trying to find his glasses. We empty his car of all his stuff. We go through each suitcase and box. We look in every crevice of the car. No glasses. We put it all back. We look everywhere we can think to look. No glasses. He doesn’t need them to drive, but sometimes he uses them in class, to see small printing on the blackboard. He is convinced they are in his car somewhere. So he leaves without them.

He called today to get his prescription, so he can order a new pair of glasses. At least he is planning now. He is planning to have a pair of glasses before his classes start. I will keep you posted.

First Solo Flight for our Youngest Son

As I have said, our job is to prepare our children to fly on their own. Our youngest son left last night on his maiden voyage of solo flying. It is a rather short trip of four months, for a first flight; yet it is his first. With it come two predominant thoughts. One, I will still worry, and the other is we have great communication equipment in today’s world of flying.

We have been through this twice before. But I still worry when they fly on their own. I know they are not always going to make the best decisions. But, flying on your own, is the biggest and maybe best part of learning. Before they leave, you are content with that thought. But after they leave, those thoughts put gray in your hair and what does not turn gray falls out. It usually takes a few days, but when there are no reports of 'crashes,' the anxiety will begin to settle down within you. If there are no major malfunctions you will sleep easier. Until then, you trust, not in your child, but in the One who created your child and gave you the responsibility of teaching them to fly.

As has been the case since they were very young, this is a great time, to spend a lot of time, on your knees. It is out of our control. If we have done our part of teaching them to fly, sit back and watch. Watch what kind of flight God has in store for them. It most likely won't be what you expected, but I have found it is an exciting and fun thing to watch. Your job is not over yet. First flights are just first flights. Now that they have the controls in their hands, there is more teaching to be done, but it is a different kind of teaching.

When I left for college, I was gone and there were no easy way to call back to the tower for instructions. Today you can get block-by-block instructions on where to turn by cell phone. You will love this story. My youngest son, who left last night at 10:00 PM no less, was not going to carry the address or driving instructions of where he was going with him. He was going to wait until he got to the city where he was headed, then call his friend, who was already there, and his friend would talk him down and tell him where to go by cell phone. Which, to him, sounded like a good plan, until I reminded him that cell phones are not 100% reliable and batteries run down. So unless he wanted to spend the night in a parking lot, or do a house-to-house search, it might be a good idea to at least carry the address with him. After rethinking it for just a few minutes, or maybe patronizing me, he decided to spend a little time preparing some instructions for his trip and to carry the address with him.

That story highlights his trust in technology. It demonstrates to me my job is still not finished. There are some refinements yet to teach.

Quality Time IS Quantity Time

Right now our children are 20, 20, 18, 16. Life still revolves around school semesters and the breaks in between. At the break of a semester, we always try to have a few times that we gather as a family and be with each other. It is easiest to schedule when they first arrive home and right before they leave for school. This week our Freshman leaves for Fish Camp, so we decided to get together Sunday for a long family meal and a couple of hours of fun later in the day.

We had lunch together. Diane made a great meal of T-bone steaks, baked potatoes, cantaloupe, and a huge salad bar. It was great eating and time well spent. Naturally I had to start things off with a bang and do a little yelling. But the gang soon shut me up so we could try and enjoy ourselves. The table was loud, bubbling, and boisterous, as it usually is, but you know, it is the kind of confusion I can tolerate with a smile on my face. They were poking fun at each other, laughing at each other’s lame jokes, talking about their work and school, and letting everyone know their schedule for the next couple of weeks. But best of all it was uninterrupted by phone, TV, or other distractions that can take something away from the dynamics of good family time.

Everyone had something to do for the afternoon, so we decided that we would get together after the last pizza was delivered for the evening and go play Putt Putt. Well it was the busiest pizza delivery night so far this summer and the last child did not get off from work until almost 10 PM. Three of our four children deliver pizza for their summer jobs. We determined it was not too late, so we left for Putt Putt and got there at 10:30. We had time to squeeze in 2 games before the place closed at midnight.

You haven’t lived, until you have played a game of Putt Putt in the middle of the night. Which by the way, is about the only way to play in Texas during the summer without a heat stroke. This group can be competitive, they all played high school varsity sports, but it is never too competitive. It is always kept at a calm level, no outbursts of anger, no screams of taunting, and more importantly, no in your face explosions of victory. But there are a lot of ‘you are going down’ speeches by the latest person to get a hole in one.

They seem to have a good grasp of why we do things like this as a family. They understand, and have been taught, that there is no substitute for time. There is no such thing as “quality time” in our way of thinking. Quality time IS Quantity time. Nothing makes up for minutes upon minutes, upon hours of time spent with each other. No amount of intensity can make up for the time spent face to face with someone you love. I cannot think of any group of people I would rather be with, than these five individuals that make up my family.

Family Moment Memories

One of the most difficult things we have found to accomplish is to gather together as a family in one place at one time. When our college children know what day they will be home, we begin to plan a time for all of us to gather together and spend some time just with the six of us. No TV, no phone, no computers, no friends; just us as a family, together in one place. It can be a lot of fun but it can also be a strange forced feeling.

Last year, when the oldest two were coming home for Thanksgiving break, I wanted to have first thing some family time alone. We set up Tuesday evening, as the time we would make just family time. I also wanted to avoid the blank empty stares sometimes we get, as we struggle to talk about more than the basics of how life was going. So I planned the time, where we would all be required to work together, to get the meal ready. We would have a three-course fondue meal. We had no food prepared early. The preparation is what we would do together. We would prepare the food, cook it, and eat it together. I had hoped it would be a three or four hour event. It would give us plenty to do with our hands. If we did not have much to say, we could at least work on the meal. No dead empty air space filling the room at this gathering.

It worked. Everyone was talking, laughing, making a mess, making fun of each other’s preparations, and just being a family. It was not a perfect ‘Cleaver’ family moment, in fact, it may have been more like the Osborne’s, but it was special and they did feel what I wanted them to feel. We are a family forever. They still talk about it now. As they are leaving for college this week they were asking if we were going to do another fondue meal when they get home. I don’t know if we will do that exact same thing again but we will make every effort to replicate some wonderful family moment for them and for us.

This Fall will be another transition for us. We will have three in college this year, two Juniors and a Freshman. Before they leave for school this week, we spent time last night, together, as a family. It was a fun evening. I will share it with you in tomorrows posting.

Why Write

Why am I writing this blog now? Because my wife and I have four children who are about ready to fly on their own.

Our oldest two children are twins, both boys that look nothing alike. They are Juniors in college. Our third child, a son, graduated high school this last May and is leaving for fish camp Tuesday. Our last child is our only girl and she is starting her final year of high school tomorrow.

I can now see from this viewpoint, the end of our responsibility and journey, on which my wife and I embarked on in 1985. We have looked upon our jobs as parents, from the first day, as a job of preparing our children to fly on their own. We wanted them to be self-sufficient, happy and well adjusted as adults. We felt we must pass on to them all that they will need, to survive well in society. We knew it would be a twenty-year commitment to our children in which they would be the first priority in our lives.

I wanted to document a couple of things in this blog:
1. As I think of things from the past, I want to put them down for a type of history of where we have been.
2. I want to document a day-to-day blog as we make the transition from parents to advisors over the next few years.